I wish there was an alarm clock that knew to wake you up when you weren’t having a dream. It could monitor your sleep cycle and heart rate and the like. If you were having a good dream, it would let you sleep an extra five minutes (because we all hit that snooze button—all of us) and if you were having a bad dream it woke you up on time.

My sleep had the absolute worst morning because of my bitch alarm clock.

I’m not even attracted to Rapaport (sorry, dude) and probably inserted him in my dream because I based a character’s appearance on his and will have to tackle said character’s introduction soon, which may or may not involve pants. My character is way hotter, bee-tee-dub. This is my analysis, take it or leave it.

Michael Rapaport
credit: tvguide.com

And you know what? Things like this always happen when I’ve placed the alarms on the other side of the room. In the vain attempt to get up on time, I place them in a new location of my room for every morning, only to end up racing back to bed to return to a literal dream world where good things happen.

One time, I sent a good friend this little gem:

This morning, I had a dream that you were visiting again. You were about to go back to MN on a bus, and I was hanging out with you until it left. My alarm started to go off, so I told you, “Hang on. I’m going to turn off my alarm and come back to talk to you more.” So I woke up, walked to my desk to turn off the alarm, and went back to sleep. XD

I can’t remember what happened next, but I’m pretty sure when I went back to bed she was gone. Buses don’t wait for dreamers.

But why am I so upset about not seeing Rapaport’s/my character’s figure when I should have gotten up when my alarm told me to? Because after being asleep for a little while after the first alarm went off, I’d finally lured beckoned the man into re-enacting  this scene when, guess what, my second alarm made its noises. Yes, I’m such a lazy bum in the morning that I need two alarm clocks with different rings programmed.

When I think about it more, it’s not this specific dream I’m upset about; it’s the principle of it. Many times I’ve had a lovely dream interrupted by my alarm only to force myself back to sleep and find myself inside a nightmare. (This morning luckily wasn’t one of those nightmares, aside from waking up a second time.) See, my dreams would be okay and inoffensive if I’d be allowed to guide my them around the inevitable wake-up sounds.

I want an alarm clock that’s not a bitch to me. Such a thing does not yet exist because this isn’t the future. If you intend to be in the future, World, please invent this alarm clock for me and sell it for a cheap enough price for me to buy it years from now.

 

Disclaimer: I apologize for Rapaport for making him strip in my imagination. I assure you I had no control over the situation the first time and only wanted to make sure I knew what color underwear he was wearing the second time. Honest.

Disclaimer 2: I don’t even know why I addressed the actual actor in the tweet. Perhaps I thought he would be humored to find a tweet about him; SOMEONE has to get a kick out of all this.

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